Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Randomize
