Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize