your parents love me but you hate me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
