Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
