Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
