when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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