I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
