we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
