Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
