Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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