Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
