just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
