I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
