I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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