i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
