Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
