college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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