nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You left your phone here
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