i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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