Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
