I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
