WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My liver just had a heart attack.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
