just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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