I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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