I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
