My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
