nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
what day is it and did you see me today?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
