my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
