I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Randomize
