Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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