My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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