Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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