So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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