I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
