Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
