Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Randomize
