I think i sorta joined a cult last night
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
