i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
