Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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