So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
