Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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