She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
