My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
