If i come over, it means nothing
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
