My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
