Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
