Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
