I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
