I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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