I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
