i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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