I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
